I suffer from alektorophobia. "Alektorophobia is an abnormal fear of chickens which may be a result of the fear of feathers, of winged creatures, or of flying animals or birds. Such fears may also include eggs and live or dead chickens. A few reasons include fears of being pecked, swooped upon, and because they roost above eye level or that they eat food from the ground or manure piles which apparently may contaminate the bird. Such fears usually involve relative closeness to live chickens, but usually don't include cooked chickens."
Those of you who have known me for a significant part of my life have been aware of my perpetual fear of eggs - aka "hen fruit" (according to thesauraus.com). This disease has plagued me for years. I even remember hiding a piece of hard-boiled egg from a preschool snack in with the basket of building blocks. My mother tried for years to disguise them with cheese but I never failed to sniff out that proteinaceous stench. Later on in life, my Costa Rican host mother thought I wasn't worldly enough to know that French toast was drenched in the stuff..."No hay huevos" she said as she handed me my plate.
I am starting to understand that my apprenticeship here at ALM farm is really chicken/egg boot camp in disguise. Today, while cleaning off the pooh streaked eggs I broke two of them. One cracked in my hand and the other fell on the floor. I believe I yelled both times and did the squeamish dance. I can only imagine what I must have looked like trying to scoop the egg off the floor with a spatula - yeah, I know...what was I thinking. There is just something about that smell...that flat fishy smell that can't hide the sticky, slimy goo it belongs to. All I have to say is thank you, thank you mama, for your wise words that have stuck with me all these years - "You can always wash your hands." This has become my mantra.
The thing I really don't understand though is why I have to suffer this alone? How do you all do it? Do your intestines really not flip when observing all the forms and textures an egg can take on? From cool, sticky goo, to sweaty, quivering jello, to sebaceous rubber, to that really weird pastiness of hard-boiled? I've watched you all devour these things my whole life and I still to this day do not get it.
Sigh.
Amazing how my blog reflects more on my albumenal fears than my verdurous passions (yeah...that was some total thesaurus work there).
I'll continue to keep you all updated on my progress.
5 comments:
I am sorry, but I have no sympathy at all for you. I am the one who has been attacked 3 times by birds before. I am actively staked daily. I have the real version of this illness. It is a nightmare everyday for me. My bedroom has no windows because of birds. I used to not eat eggs. I don't like the taste of them, but it is my only revenge. Now I try to at least to break as many eggs as I can. With the help of Tomatoes, onion, bell pepper, cheese, oregano, salt, pepper, and some kind of meat over a slice of bread with jam and cream cheese, eggs aren't that bad. So, you just need to get over it, and join the Force against birds. At least you don't have these "evil doers" a.k.a. beast of the sky actively trying to kill you. One, tried to slice my throat with its Talons. I still have the scars, but I cover them up with make-up. We have it bad in Georgia, 'cause our state bird, the brown thrasher is the worst. It doesn't have that name thrasher for nothing. You know, our Governor Sonney whatever asks what is on our sonney-do list, and solving this bird problem is on mine, and also the water issue, but that is another story.
You know Natalie most of the attacks came whilst I was attending Emory. I had to go to school always under attack. Do you know what that feels like??? So, NO! I don't feel sorry for you. Use this chance to get back at birds, and not only eat as many eggs as possible, but cook them for other people. I can send you the revenge recipe if you would like. If you need back-up I have a couple of friends on the Force, that can come up there, and we can break some eggs and do some d-winging. Why do you think people throw eggs at others? It is the ultimate insult. You have my number if you need it.
Hey Natalie, this is Courtney (Jesse's Courtney, I suppose?). Just de-lurking a bit to let you know that you are not alone in your (totally rational) distaste for eggs. I have always thought of them as chicken abortions, and I hate them. I can't eat them as a food. As an ingredient (in my cupcakes or cookies, say), they're fine... they're not a food.
Also, I love that you're knitting to keep warm and occupied up there. That's part of why I want to move to Canada. :) Perhaps I'll send some of these socks that I don't know what to do with your way. :)
Anyway, your blog is a fun read. Keep it up. :)
Thank you, thank you Courtney!!!! I feel quite relieved to know I am not alone. Smart woman.
And please please send socks! Everyone! Socks! I need them.
-cold feet
Terez,
I do remeember that day the birds attacked you. The same day the lady cut up your credit card. Ha!
I'm glad to know the sound of flapping terrifies you too...but I don't know that I can go to such extremes of cooking tons of eggs to get back at the beast of the sky. Besides, chicken bones are too heavy and thus they are forever weighted to the ground. Oh chickens and their worthless wings.
Ummmm... once again you are putting my personal business in the streets NAT! It needs to stop. We are talking about the destruction of eggs. Lets stay on the topic.
Also, my only solution was not to just cook Eggs. Just breaking them is fine too, but whatever.
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